Building A Strong Relationship With Your Dog
Being in a healthy, interdependent relationship with anyone requires inner work- and it’s no different when it comes to your dog. In fact, dogs can stir up the very emotions in us that we might be avoiding or struggling to address in our human relationships. Life with a dog is filled with daily themes of disappointment, frustration, joy, dread, excitement, anxiety, and just about every other emotion you could think of. These strong emotions can rise to the surface seemingly out of nowhere, and dogs can even trigger trauma responses, feelings of inadequacy, and themes of guilt. Multiple published studies have pointed to the fact that dogs can help us heal early attachment wounds and relational trauma.
It sounds great on the surface, but if we aren’t careful and thoughtful in our approach to relationships with our dogs- we can affect their attachment in negative ways, too. By playing out unhealthy patterns we learned in childhood rooted in patriarical norms, dominance, and obedience- we can effectively shut down any chance we may have had to connect and learn about our dogs. This is why exploration of our own patterns and expectations is essential to entering the role of caregiver with a dog.
The training you do with your dog must be built upon a foundation of secure attachment. If your dog cannot come to you in times of distress, fears you, or is overwhelmed by your expectations- the training you do will be futile. And yes, plenty of people are able to title competition dogs with extremely dysfunctional relationships- but in my opinion the indicator of true success is not titles, it’s trust.
I didn’t always have functional, healthy relationships with the dogs I live with. In fact, there was a lot of unintentional harm that came from hidden frustration, disappointment, and incompatibility. I am not immune, and in fact I am still learning to repair and build back trust. Relationships are complex and they do not come with ease- they come with compromise and reflection. And that is exactly what I am doing to become a better and more secure caregiver for my dogs.
How to let go of expectations
On my journey to becoming a better dog parent and better human being to the people in my life (which is an ongoing one- by the way), I started with examining the expectations and beliefs I held about dogs in general. I asked myself “What does the picture of a perfect dog look like to me?”. I answered honestly, not with what I thought was appropriate. Then, I carefully picked apart where that image came from. Turns out, it wasn’t me who came up with the ideas I was holding about what my dog should and shouldn’t do. These themes of control, violence, and manipulation are woven deep into our history with dogs and with caretaking as a whole. The political underpinnings of modern life with dogs inform the societal expectations and routines we are expected to carry out with our dogs every single day. So ask yourself: Why is it so embarrassing if your dog barks in public? What is actually wrong with your dog sniffing instead of looking at you? Why do they need to be able to stay perfectly still on a mat in order for you to feel comfortable?
And no, there’s nothing inheretly wrong with training your dog to do or not do these things when done in an ethical manner. However, examining the role that control plays in your relationships- both dog and human- will help you become a more empathetic and less reactive person. Plus, it will enable you to train these behaviors in a way that honors agency and welfare while promoting offered engagement. This mindset shift will allow you to become curious about the purpose of behaviors and help you put health and wellness at the forefront of your work with dogs. There is no doubt in my mind that exploration of your unique held biases WILL make you a better trainer and dog owner alike.
